Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in midnight0toker's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, October 5th, 2004
10:11 pm	it's frustrating as all fuck when i'm terrified of having sex with any guy besides one, and said guy and i both know that (at least at this point in time) we shouldn't fuck around, because it would just be that... fucking around. and fucking around anymore is what i'm terrified of. also frustrating as fuck is the fact that i wanna do stuff with a chica mas que nada, but that is definitely not happening... all day i walk around like, "boobies! hot girl! hot girl! boobies!" and it's fuckin ridiculous. soo.. yah. perhaps i'm just stupid, cuz i guess i could somehow get sex if i wanted to, but i'm just really really terrified and don't want to just lapse back into the whole bit of using people in order to feel good myself. no - i can't do that anymore, that's bullshit. sarah says she doesn't understand me and andrew and how i can like him and still be freaking out about girls, but... i guess i'm just a complex creature. :) or not. regardless, it actually feels RIGHT to not be fucking around with people, but i'm still horny as hell. i guess only time will tell on this one... Annnddd i'm totally supposed to be working on my 7 page paper that's due tomorrow. three pages done, but the question remains whether i've written anything of substance as of yet. cigarette time. Current Mood: horny Current Music: sublimmmeee (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 24th, 2004
8:20 pm	too much smiling, too much laughing, too much happiness. too much emotional honesty, too many cigarettes, too many hours spent drinking. too many conversations, too many new ideas, too many amazing people, too many personalities. too many jokes about bunnies, too many beautiful "dirty hippie feet". too much sharing of food with everyone, too much sharing of money and weed and alcohol and clothes. too much sharing of music and too much sharing of souls and too much vulnerability and too much love. too much love. too much happiness. too many days at random lakes swimming. too many hours walking around stoned. too many stoned entries in a fucking journal. is it possible that life can stay like this, please? i'm so excited, so happy, so thrilled about the possibilities of my life. i guess there's a part of me that instinctively keeps preparing for a crash of some kind. i need to stop being paranoid, and just take it all in as it comes rushing at me, 100 miles an hour. just stop thinking, and breathe. just stop breathing, and think. just keep writing, and writing... i swear, i am going to write a book someday, about this journey called life; i want it to be like my hero(ine), anne lammott's book Traveling Mercies. about too many drugs and too many bad relationships with boys and too much love and emotional vulnerability and amazing friends and living in san francisco and finding god and grace and wishing those who have walked thus far with you "traveling mercies". <3 Current Mood: high Current Music: bone thugs n harmony - crossroads (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 14th, 2004
1:57 pm	hours of knitting, reading, talking, smoking, drinking, coughing, playing video games, walking, listening, sleeping, rollerblading, watching, absorbing, contemplating, meditating, making hemp creations, desiring, yearning, dreaming. = my life. hours not making money, not studying for classes, not cramming information into my head, not staring vacantly at water as my waking life is sold for minimum wage, not buying clothes at the mall, not furthering the economy by abstaining from spending money (save on marijuana, cigarettes, and alcohol), not throwing everything i use away immediately without thinking of whether i could recycle it, not having mindless meaningless sex, not winning medals or running races or training for an end-of-summer triathalon. we live a life of consumption and destruction, and those who do not enter into this lifestyle are not being productive citizens. production through destruction, production through buying and dismissing, production through consumption. it is all a lie. a big messed-up lie that i don't want to be a part of anymore. i DON"T need to be constantly making money or taking classes or being engaged in ordered activities, not when i have all the thoughts in my head and the words in my books to keep me driven, motivated, entertained and most importantly... dreaming. when i was working 50 hours/week, there was no time for dreaming; i was too tired, too disillusioned, too brainwashed and despondent to dream. and i thank god that i got fired from my job, because i've read some good books, gone on a fun road trip, spent hours drinking and smoking for the fun and for the taste, gone tubing down a too-shallow river and gotten wounds from it, and most importantly... i'm formulating my plan for the next 4 years of my life. it's just sad that so many people never get the opportunity to get fired from their job, and if they do, circumstances force them to immediately get another one. no one takes the time to sit back, relax, reflect, revel in silence and selfless-ness. fuckin ay, i'm reading too much eastern religion stuff. :) BUT IT MAKES ME DREAM, and that is one thing christianity never made me do. it made me secure, until i realized i didn't believe in heaven or hell. it made me stretch my mind, trying to fit everything together for MYSELF, until my youth pastor warned me against thinking too much. it made me have a good reputation (christians are "always" good, responsible kids) and gave me the basis to judge those not of my religion as "going to hell." and i hated it. certainly, there were "good times" - many, many of them - but the "ministry times" of confessing sins and failures and fuck-ups and crying and approaching hopelessness (they say jesus is supposed to give you hope, but i was always filled with a sense of hopelessness that i would continuously disappoint the God i loved)... those times chinked away at my heart and ultimately left me depressed, suicidal, confused, alone, and worst of all: hating God for what people had, knowingly or unknowingly, done to His religion. and there is only ONE religion - and nobody has even come CLOSE to it yet. they're trying... i'm trying... some have ceased trying because they think they have found it. but like cat stevens says, i'm "on the road to findout." and someday, when i'm least expecting, i will find the answers. it may be tomorrow, it may be 40 years from now... but i will NEVER, EVER stop searching, b/c i know that the answers ultimately lie in the hardest place to find them - within myself. i could have someone lead me to the answers, but they would be that person's answers, not mine. i have to discover mine for myself. and i will... algun dia. all i'm saying is, zen buddhism and sufism and all that stuff.. it makes me dream; it is composed of intangible wisps of dream-gossamer, and i think that is all that religion is ultimately supposed to do: make you dream. because no one ever does that anymore in this sped-up, money-driven society. in this sped-up, money-driven world. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: neutral milk hotel - song against sex (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 12th, 2004
10:44 am	excuse me while i light my spliff... stoned and still slightly buzzed, i am in love with life. this could be one of those posts that i cringe about posting afterwards, but i don't care. i feel like this strange life that i am living is just something i have to get out of my system, to get to the lowest of the lows and the highest of the highs and then back away from it, slowly. but the only way to truly be able to say "no" to drugs is after having tried them. like, i would trust kendra about weed more than i would trust some DARE officer, just cuz she's been there and done that, and doesn't do it anymore. i'm not saying that i want to stop everything completely right now, but i know that long-term, this isn't what i want to do with my life. in "journey toward the heart" the author wrote about how buddha had lived two kinds of lives; he'd been a prince and a beggar, a sinner and a saint, a fuck-up and a magnificent savior of the people. savior not in the "jesus christ" kind of way, but in that he helped so many people achieve a TRUE, visible in the here-and-now, spiritual transformation. he helped people towards enlightenment and nirvana, while confessing faith in jesus "only" (allegedly) saves people from hell, a state we don't even know EXIST. but buddha, he did it here, now. he didn't make any promises for years in the future that we, as humans, can't even take at face value. i know that i could never take the "living a good life solely in order to get to a fantasy place i'm not even sure exists". fuck that. i want to achieve spiritual enlightenment, a transformation, a way to voice to Caleb and everyone else i know who say there is no God. i want to experience Jah, in the way that bob marley did, and write poetry about it. i want to achieve the spiritual discipline to earnestly fast and meditate and eventually, to pray. everyone says that praying is the easiest, simplest thing to do - but the way we do prayer nowadays - i don't know. i don't really think it's prayer. prayer is communicating with the divine, and when the jason rounke's of the world joke about praying so that God gives him a new motorcycle - fuck that. that's fuckin BULLshit. i was once yelled at on the five iron frenzy message board b/c i asked the question: if god already knows what we need, and we're supposed to be trusting that he will provide for us... why bother praying? doesn't that mean we ultimately DON"T trust god, that we feel the need to REMIND him of what we (think we) need? fuckin' ay. but THEN! i read in the journey toward the heart book that prayer is the act of being silent. of listening to the world around you, of constant observation and breathing silent thanks to god for his beauty manifested all around you. prayer is LISTENING to God, not giving him instructions of how to "bless" you. i want to learn how to pray. in a way so far beyond what i learned in church...even at the Vineyard, even "praying" for God to take away someone's demon who was possessed - fucked up shit. i choose not to even think about that one - that in and of itself made me wanna stop being a christian immediately, because i knew i wasn't ready for its full implications. i felt like NO ONE ever really considered the implications... of dealing with a faith where their peaceful, loving God fucking wipes out the ENTIRE EARTH save one family. a faith where their loving God kills His only Son, because we, as a human race, were apparently fucked up from the time some ancient chick took a bite of a fucking piece of fruit. i never understood why I was being blamed for HER "mistake"... not that i assumed some cocky "self preservation" attitude, just that i saw nothing wrong with me, and there was no heaven to obtain. heaven and hell are/were here on earth, and that is what makes life so beautiful and amazing - that THIS is all you have. some say its fatalistic, i say its my only fucking chance to get off my ass and do everything i can possibly do with my life. right now, that means nothing more than getting stoned off my ass, drinking, reading, writing rambly emails and livejournal entries, and going for long drives with my music and my marijuana, staring at clouds. but it is beautiful, and "this too, shall pass." dust to dust, ashes to ashes...death, renewal, and eventual rebirth. Current Mood: grateful (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, July 19th, 2004
11:45 pm	one time, when i was really young, i swore to myself that i would never be anyone but myself. and so, with every roll of the die and every shadow of a half-truth, i chase the butterflies down a sunlight-dappled path, never really sure of where i will end up. you fire me from a job that i used to love, as if weed is something a bad thing. as if it's not the thing that allowed me to open my mind enough to find MY God in Heaven, enough to find someone i want to spend eternity with, and someone i want to be kissing forever. i'm in a really strange, emo mood right now: i have a strange feeling about everything that is coming. it feels so strange and foreign... and my dad knows about how i like girls, and he knows about how i smoke weed, and HE DOESN"T CARE. he's not mad at me, he's not disappointed in me, he understands. and that's the last thing i expected my parents to ever do. i mean, my mom wouldn't be like that, about either of the two things, and i don't think she should be... she's never understood me before; i don't ask her to right now. i want to be kissing kendra right now. and i'm getting more and more emo and weird-feeling; i've felt like something huge has shifted ever since my dad told me he knows about... things... i can't shake that feeling, and i don't know what to do about it. maybe there's nothing TO do about it, so... screw it. i wanna go to bed, but i can't. i wanna go find mike and weed and oblivion, but i've already gotten stoned today and want to cut back. i sort of like this strange feeling-ness that i am experiencing right now; it is new and different and almost unbearable. when you've been tokin it up several times a day like i have in the past 3 weeks, not being stoned is ultimately more trippy than BEING stoned. while stoned, everything you SEE and HEAR and SMELL and TASTE and TOUCH is distorted; too vibrant or beautiful melodic or pungent or delicious or amazing. when you're not stoned, the only thing that can really feel intense is your own emotions, because of course, when you ARE stoned, those are definitely muted and un-important. so right now, i sit here drowning in an ocean of emotion. once again. and it's time for another lonely cigarette, biting my lip and wishing to get away. (1 Comment |Comment on this)